The United Dates Of Sarah - Footish Fetish? - Entry 17

Soooo as many of you know, I was stood up on Friday! Yep, that's right....I was sitting at the bar for 1 hour and then decided to leave...To be fair though, it wasn't 100% set in stone...but still...it sucks he didn't have the courtesy of texting back....he still hasn't tried to contact me since Friday....Here's how it went down! 

It's just annoying that he didn't even bother to send a text or call right?!? I have never stood anyone up! If I need to reschedule or cancel, I always give the person enough notice so they can make other plans in the meantime....I mean, I could have been doing something amazing on a Friday night instead of waiting for this douche bag...Instead, I went to Yogurt Land to drown my sorrows. 

Anyways, this week I want to talk about fetishes. Yep...everyone has one but some people have weird or awkward fetishes. Someone at work was telling me about what one guy said to her:

Guy: "Can I take you out to dinner and hold your feet while you're eating?"

0_o

Seriously?? First of all, ew

Second of all, why?

Third of all, what?!

#ican't

I mean, I know some guys love feet, but maybe try and keep your fetish inside a closed space...not out in public....unless your fetish is to do shit in public...

Anyways...before you meet a girl, maybe keep your weirdo side locked up...or you'll scare us away. Let's get to know you/like you first and then we might comply with your requests....MAYBE!

AND NOW A GUEST ENTRY!!

Hello there daters and datees,

This is Sarah's friend "The Trier" and I'm back after a couple months of trying on something, well...someone, for a little too long.

We'll call this guy: The World's Busiest Boy (TWBB)

So I moved across the country and am starting another chapter of my adult life. There were a few breakups amongst my travels (don't worry, these were consecutive, not simultaneous). But I've jumped right back into the weird world of online dating in an attempt to "put myself out there" and "be open"-- I've been dubbed The Trier (TT) because I am willing to try, try, and try again. Ugh.

Back in July I thought I met a great guy online. We had a similar sense of humor and could easily "connect" online. We were both busy traveling, he with family, and me solo, when we entered this period of digital courtship. Alas, we were both home and available for...

Date One:
We go to the biggest park in the city-- and end up on the exact opposite side from each other! Like over a mile away from each other. And it was hilarious! We immediately got on the phone and started joking around about our epic Marco Polo, until I got in my car and high tailed it over.
Great date= cheese, crackers, wine, and a blanket.

Date Two:
We meet in my neighborhood to watch a sailboat race with hard ciders. We sit on a swing by the water. We realize we were at the same 4th of July party. The world gets magically smaller. I shoot my worst game of pool at a bar. Great date, great kisser.

Date Three:
We go to my favorite whacky restaurant. A silly store. Back to the the park we met at. Still a great kisser, decent back rub.

At this point, everything is great! We've been on some awesome dates! We text often and even talk on the phone a couple of times. But we only see each other once a week, and these dates aren't easy to schedule. As TT I am optimistic that this will shift into seeing each other more frequently. And he throws out some great lines too!

"You're flying first class with TWBB Airlines. You get booked with me as soon as I am free!"

However, TWBB is always working, or with his family.

SO busy!

TWBB has a crazy work schedule and does family dinners, family trips, family haircuts, etc. He also does a lot of time convincing me of how busy he is.

Let me delve into month two before you think this is going to end like a match.com commercial.
My first thoughts were: "How driven!" "How dedicated!" All positives.
But in the next month I start to think TWBB should branch out from his family, and learn to leave work stress at the office door when he ends the day...

Things become a bit more relaxed at this point. Because, duh! He's busy!
I have some doubts, but I get a great call and plans happen. So with that security...
Needless to say, the dates below aren't PG-13; we're sleeping together.

I have him over for dinner and wine one night with a skyline balcony.
He has me over and we cook a meal together and drink wine.
He has me over and provides pizza and beer and a movie.

On this last one I get a very charming line too. Grade-A 21st Century romance: "You're not a booty call. I know it's late (post-work) and I appreciate you coming over, but I don't want you to think that's what this is."

I could've said, "Oh great, so what am I?" But instead I joke about how a booty call doesn't get her own special meat-free pizza.

We make loose plans for the weekend.
I check in.
I get an excuse (family-related).
I propose something lighter, coffee, pre-family.
I get told:

I call. We talk. I say I'm getting used to the excuses. He gives me a line about not bailing intentionally. Also tells me we'll plan something for the week ahead.

I have friends and co-workers telling me at this point that he's unavailable, that I'm chasing him and it should be reversed, etc. But alas, I am TT.

I reach out since a date with me won't plan itself. And I get radio silence.
Nothing. No calls, no texts.

But at this point, I've only been nice and mildly comedic. So I call and leave a voicemail in my stern and serious voice just asking to not be left high and dry.

I get a text like: Work is busy. FML. LOLZ
TT: Oh, well that doesn't seem to have any initiative with it.
TWBB: Because I don't have ANY time
TT: Get in touch when you're free. Grabbing coffee to talk in person would take less than an hour.
TWBB: We need to talk?
TT: Yeah, but I don't want to text.
TWBB: Just do it

So I call.
He answers and his tone is pushy, rushed, agitated. His phone is blowing up in my ear the way iphone users get that buzz buzz reverberation.

I try to muster the things I need and want to say.

TT: I don't think this is fair. I'd rather speak in person. Let's plan a time when you're free so we can be face to face.

TWBB: What is this about? Time? I don't have time? What do you need to say? What do you need to ask?

TT: I, umm, feel like you're unavailable. And um, I...

TWBB: Yeah, no. I have no time. Mhmm. Work. I'm always working.

TT: And I umm there's like other stuff I'd like to ask you about and I...

TWBB: What is it? What's this about? You're scaring me! I don't have time for games. Don't play games with me.

TT: I'm not playing a game. I'm trying to compose myself and what I want to ask is if you've been dating anyone else or sleeping with anyone else.

TWBB: Sure, yeah. I'm honest. I mean I've been around the block. I lied and fibbed in the past, but I'm honest.

TT: So...

TWBB: Dating- yes. Sleeping with- no.

TT: Oh, okay. So, is this, umm, is this working?

TWBB: This? Oh, okay. I see I see. Yeah, I don't know what you expected. I don't want a relationship. Maybe later, but not now. I definitely don't want a relationship. I don't know what you thought. Hey so I just got in and I'm leaving to meet my family.

TT: Okay, yeah. I wasn't expecting anything. That's not what I meant. I just feel like you're really busy. Have a great time with your family.

TWBB: Yeah, yeah. I'll call you after.

I knew after his attitude and defensiveness on the phone that I was not going to be hearing back from him anytime soon. I also knew that was all I needed to hear to know that this wasn't working...for me.

I had been told how busy he was and given reasons why he couldn't see me, but never once was it made clear that was with the involvement of other datees. You can't preach your honesty when you're lying in a bed of omission lies.

No one likes being played, strung along, led on, etc. Especially me.

So I wrote him a long-winded note and sent it old school. No, not to his home address, back to our roots. An Ok Cupid message. Basically I let him know without a screaming email that the way I had been treated in this situation was not okay.

I sent him this: "Hey! So I knew I wouldn't hear back from you this eve. So I left you a message on Ok Cupid saying everything I needed to say"

For those of you interested in the gist of it....It had this affect:

Don't forget to email me any stories you may have TheUnitedDatesOfSarah@gmail.comAnd Follow Me On Twitter @UntDatesOfSarah and like the Facebook page: www.Facebook.com/TheUnitedDatesOfSarah

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This guy needs to calm down! 

The United Dates Of Sarah - DNA Stands For More Than What You Might Think - Entry 16

This morning I work up to this at 6:00am so please forgive this entry...I might be a little more tired/cranky/mean in this blog...I recorded this from my living room window between the balcony rails.

Isn't a regular work day 9-5? WTF dude...don't start sawing at 6:00am right next to an apt complex. Damn! 

A friend (n) - A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations. 

Everyone has a friend (hopefully) and depending on the relationship between the two of you, you might be more blunt to them than a normal person.  Basically, how blunt should you be with your BFF about their "relationship"? 

I literally said this to a co-worker of mine: "Have you ever seen the movie 'He's Just Not That Into You'"? 

0_o

Omg..who says that??!?? Me?!? Damn, talk about blunt...sorry boo! You know I meant well and I'm just trying to look out for you :P

Anyways, here's a story to END ALL STORIES!!! I'm going to call this guy "DNA" short for Do Not Answer.

Here's the timeline: 

Saturday I get a message on Ok Cupid from DNA -

"Hey! I would like to get to know you because your profile seems cool" Here are a couple of links to look at photos of me. I haven't posted any up because I'm a teacher and I don't want to come across a parent or even a student."

As I read this, I feel like he seems pretty nice but the photos were awkward. He only sent two..one from a strange angle with a girl and the other from far away so you can't really see him. But I was with my mom and dad, and my mother told me to message him back...so I did.

Me: "Hey. What do you teach?"

DNA: "I teach music. I know this is forward but can I get your number so we can talk?"

Wow, that was fast! But no one has been this "interested" before so we'll see how this goes.

Me: My number is ------- but I'm with my family right now so I can't talk on the phone. I might call you another time.

Literally right after I pressed send, he calls me!

I didn't answer...because, like I told him, I was with my family. 

Then he started texting me. He was telling me about his job and where he moved from and asking me about my life. This was fine but I didn't respond very fast. Anyways, after about 5 texts back and forth he says

"Can you send me a picture so I know you're not cat fishing me? 

Me: Funny thing you say that because I met Nev today from "Catfish"! 

DNA: Cool, you're the one on the right, right?

Me: Yep! Well I'm going to sign off. I'll talk to you later.

So that was that...until THE NEXT DAY!

He texted me 5 times on Sunday. Here's what he sent:

DNA: Hey!

DNA: Hey! What's your name btw? 

DNA: What are you up to this Sunday? 

Meanwhile, I'm hanging out with my roommate in the pool, so I don't have my phone with me.

DNA: Really? What was the point of you giving me your number if you aren't even going to respond? 

DNA: Do you do casual?

After that last text, I decided to never talk to this guy again! I mean, RELAX dude! 

And then I get this text:

"I can't believe there are 'adults' like you still out there. No wonder why you're still single. You just blow people off and don't respond. You are immature and good looks are never going to change that." 

WTF dude! You ARE crazy!!!! I have legit reasons to never talk to you again, and this is just putting the nail in the coffin. Anyways, I take it with a grain of salt and don't text him back...I thought that was the end of it...BUT NO! 

Thursday comes around and I'm out scouting at a mall. I get a phone call from a number not saved in my phone. 

Me: Hello? 

DNA: Hey, it's Taylor! How are you?

Me: Hi, I'm sorry who is this? Are you calling for one of the shows? 

Sometimes I call people from my phone for the shows I'm scouting for so I didn't even think for a second it was DNA.

DNA: No, we were talking on Ok Cupid. Remember? 

Me: **Lightbulb* Oh hey. Yeah, I misplaced my phone. What's up? 

I'm soooo confused at this point why he's calling. Especially after his last text. 

DNA: What's going on? Whatcha doing?

Me: I'm working.

DNA: What are you doing this weekend? 

Me: I'm pretty busy. Listen, can we talk later. I'm working.

DNA: Yeah sure, no problem. 

Let's be honest...I'm not calling this guy again and why did he call me after texting me that horrendous message? This guy is PSYCHO! So I input his number as DO Not Answer so I know never to answer this guy again! 

We hang up and immediately he texts me:

And this morning I wake up to a text from him: "Can you do casual?" 

Guys...we're dealing with a psycho! And I can't wait to see what he says next!

Don't forget to email me any stories you may have TheUnitedDatesOfSarah@gmail.com

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Why? But his 'About Me' is pretty awesome - "Literally A Person"

The United Dates Of Sarah - After Date Etiquette - Entry 15

Hey Everyone!!! So it's been a while, I know but I have some great stories for you :) First of all, I am now casting so check out the website: www.DoronOfirCasting.com

Second of all, my mother and aunt have started their own business....what is it you ask??

Speed Dating!

I know you might think that my experiences with speed dating may deter people, HOWEVER their type of speed dating is different and awesome if I do say so myself. Check it out and sign up!! www.SoCalExpressDate.com

Lastly...I got a pretty crazy pick up line this week at a bar. I don't know if you're ready for it..but here it goes:

"I like my women just like my glasses. On my face!"

Ok, now that that's taken care of, let's talk about after date etiquette. I actually got this idea from a friend of mine in SD. Holllaaa! He texted me this:

"I need help. I went on a date with a girl from Tinder and I don't think that I want to see her again so what do I text her tonight?"

This might sound harsh but if you don't want to go out on a second date, you don't owe the person anything. In my opinion, there's no need to text the person.

For me, a girl, if I enjoyed myself and want to go on a second date, I'll write a short "thank you" text to him and let them know I had a great time. If I didn't have a good time, I won't text him anything and just let it go. Like I said, you don't owe the person anything after a first date.

I don't think it's necessary to text or call the person and tell them you don't feel like it's going to work out. Here's a story of a recent date I went on and never texted the guy again...and he never texted me again #MutualDislike

We'll call this guy: The Laugher

So I "met" this guy on Ok Cupid and he seemed really nice and he asked me out in a timely manner...what I mean by that is he didn't wait a month to ask me out! He actually realized the convo was going well and he wanted to continue it in person. Ok, so he asked me to go to a UCB improv show. I was excited because it was a new and innovative date idea!

So we decide to meet at the show after work but as I get to UCB I realize there's no parking except for valet and I didn't have any cash so as I pull up to Valet I ask if there is an ATM near by and they said there's one right behind them.

Great! I decided to valet and after the show, I'll get some cash and pay for valet. Right?!

I find "The Laugher" in line and we talk but it's super awkward. He's not good in person and we kind of start talking about the weather...and there are long pauses and it's weird but maybe that's why he wanted to go see an improv show, so we didn't have to talk.

We finally get seated and he's soooo excited....it's kind of weird. The show starts and the comedians are funny but this guy is dying laughing. I mean, dying laughing which includes hand clapping and rocking forward and backwards. I mean, don't get me wrong...I'm glad he's having a good time but ummm...no.

The show ends and asks me where I'm parked and I told him I valet parked but I needed to hit the ATM before, which I was told was right behind the valet stand. He walked with me over to the ATM area but then we saw a sign that changed the rest of the night for us....

The sign on the ATM said "Out of Service". Ohhh man! so I go inside the bakery next to the ATM and ask if I can buy something and pay extra on a credit card or get cash back? He said no and we asked if there was another ATM nearby. The guy behind the counter said there should be one down the street but it's in a store that might be closed. The Laugher and I decided to check it out anyways. All the meanwhile, he seems to be getting a little more annoyed. He's starting to walk faster and breath heavier.

We do get to the second ATM but the store is closed. I look around and see there's a grocery store! Perfect! They'll definitely do cash back so I say to him:

Me: I'll just go over there. You don't have to come.

The Laugher: No, it's fine. Let's just go.

We start walking over and suddenly he stops.

The Laugher: You know what. I'll just give you the money. How much is it?

Me: No it's totally fine. I'll just go to the store.

The Laugher: How much is Valet?

Me: $6

The Laugher: Ok....I mean, I have the money. Here

**As I see him exacerbated...I just think about how much time we could have saved if he just offered it in the first place. The tickets to the comedy show were free for him because he takes classes there and we didn't get any food or drinks so this night cost nothing which is fine...I was just confused as to why he was so frustrated with the situation when he had the solution the whole time... it's like I was wasting his time....

Me: Can I buy you a coffee or a cookie at the bakery to pay you back?

The Laugher: Ummm....no that's fine...just take it.

Me: Ok, thank you.

The Laugher: Sure. Drive safely.

And that was that! #SixDollarDate

On to the next story! This is from a guy on the Israel trip and it's a good one!

We'll call him Mr. Patient and we'll call her the Psycho.

About a year ago Mr. Patient was visiting his friend in Los Angeles. They decided to hit up a bar nearby. When they got there, they saw two very pretty girls. Mr. Patient liked one of the girls and they got to talking. He sealed the deal and he ended up at the girl's house...although he was a gentleman and didn't sleep with her that night....the next night was a different story though. For the next three nights they spent a ton of time together but Mr. Patient had to leave and go back to Arizona. He was, however, planning on moving to Los Angeles to go to school...and she knew that.

Anyways, after 5 days of knowing each other this girls decides to pull this off:

She says she loves him!!! I mean, I've heard of Love At First Sight buuuutttt maybe she should have hidden her crazy a little longer.

Mr. Patient told her that she didn't love him and she should see how their relationship goes as long distance. Needless to say, she was insane! She called and texted him like she was going through bipolar spats. One minute she's asking why he's not texting her back fast enough and the next minute she's saying, "I'm sorry babe! I know you're busy. I love you. Call me".

To take it one step further, Cray Cray Psycho started looking for apartments for the two of them! She knew he would be moving to LA for school so she wanted to help him out and get a jump on it. Once she found a place that would be fitting for the two of them, she would CC Mr. Patient on emails she would send to the landlords. In these emails, she would talk about her and her BOYFRIEND. Yes...she did make him her boyfriend without talking to him about it first. All of this to say, he ended up getting into a school in another state. You might guess what Psycho did next. Yep! She started looking for places for the two of them in AZ. She would get angry at Mr. Patient because she needed to know if she should quit her job and start looking for new ones.

He told her to ABSOLUTELY not leave her job...but she started looking anyways! #IDontTakeNoForAnAnswer

Mr. Patient was VERY patient but one day she took it too far!!

He wasn't feeling well at work and she was basically cussing him out over text message because he wasn't responding. Finally he said he wasn't feeling well and he just needed time. That translated to "you're making me ill" in her head. She got so mad!!

Turns out he had appendicitis and needed emergency surgery. Once she found out, she told him she was going to buy a plane ticket to come take care of him but he said NO!

This psycho, in a matter of one month told Mr. Patient she loved him and wanted to move to Arizona...No offense but calm your crazy!!! It was almost like this fast...except she was the one who would be proposing...

Anyways, as you can see, Mr. Patient needed to keep his cool in order to make sure she didn't fly to AZ and be super psycho..Also, in these couple of months, she unfriended him and friended him numerous times on FB...their current status right now is not friends.

Don't forget to email me any stories you may have TheUnitedDatesOfSarah@gmail.com

And Follow Me On Twitter @UntDatesOfSarah and like the Facebook page: www.Facebook.com/TheUnitedDatesOfSarah

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Notice the blue writing before his message...Ok Cupid thinks that this is "One of the best messages I've received".