Enough about me though...haha just kidding..but really, did anyone watch The Bachelorette this past season?!? Ben Z and Ben H were so good. Ok that's all I have to say about that **Heart Eyes Emoji**
Ok so the reason I'm back is because, drum roll please.........I went on a terrible date.
I'll call him "Captain Jack Sparrow" and I'll tell you why in a bit ;)
But first, let's take it back to where it allllll began.....Plenty Of Fish. Like many free dating sites, I was getting terrible pickup lines daily, but one good one stuck out...finally! I checked out his profile and he seemed normal but very funny. I was literally laughing out loud while reading his profile which is a good sign, right?
Anyways, I wrote him back and even in "conversation" he was funny. I mean, we had paragraphs to talk about which was great and I was so eager to meet him! The only bummer was that it was his birthday and he was leaving for a while to celebrate.
I thought this was it. I thought he was going to have an awesome birthday and totally forget about me and our date...but he didn't! I got a text after his trip and we planned a meeting on a Wednesday night at a wine bar. He didn't ask me if I liked wine or not but I just went with it (For future reference, I would rather have food any day over alcohol). Anyways, we planned to meet at 8pm for a drink........
And then we met....
Now, before I get into the nitty gritty, I have to explain something. I am very short. At only 5 feet tall, I've experienced people walk into me, look over me, and talk to me like a child but the thing I can't stand the most, is when a tall guy doesn't make the effort to give me a good hug. I HATE the neck hugs. I just feel like, if I could grow, I would...at least you can make yourself shorter...just bend down and give a good hug. I don't care if we just met, do it (like the Nike symbol). I don't know if that makes sense to other people...but neck hugs are a big pet peeve of mine...and Captain Jack Sparrow did it. Strike 1.
But I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Not everyone is familiar with what not to do with short people.
So we officially meet:
Me: Hi, nice to meet you!
Him: Yeah! So, I have a favorite spot in this place but these guys (he points behind him) are in it. I've been here since 6pm cuz I wanted the spot. Oh well. Anyways, I couldn't get you a glass because they need to see your ID so go to the front and show them your ID so you can get a glass. I'll save our spot
At that moment, I realized he had been at this wine bar for 2 hours. I look over at the pitcher of Sangria he held closely to him...it's half empty....or half full depending on how you look at things...but ANYWAYS, the point is, he's tipsy for sure!
As I'm standing in line to show my I.D. he comes over and complains about how the workers here are so slow!
- Strike 2. Being that most of my friends work in the service industry, I really don't like it when people don't understand that being a server, a bartender, etc is hard! They get yelled at, ripped off, and pressured all day to help you! They're just trying to do their job.
So, needless to say, that was slightly annoying.
I just said, "it's ok. She's helping the people in front of me. I'm not in a hurry." He just nodded and went back to the area he was saving.
Ok, so I finally get my glass and when I get back to our area, he pours me a huge glass of Sangria. When I say huge, I mean basically fills the entire glass and he just goes "whoops". Is he trying to get me drunk?
Anyways, he starts talking...and when I say talking, I mean speed talking with the use of his hands, arms, eyes...this guy is ANIMATED, even more than Mikey Mouse himself. Don't get me wrong, the enthusiasm is great, but it's about 5 minutes into the date and I'm already exhausted.
As he's going on and on about himself, he does't look me in the eye once. He is all over the place like
FINALLY, he pauses for a second and I ask him:
Me: So how did you find this place? **It was such a cute little place, unless he lived in this area, it probably isn't somewhere he would know about**
Him: I'm a really open and honest guy. I'm not going to lie to you. This is my go-to spot for dates.
-_-
Ok, that's fine. I'm sure all guys have go-to spots but don't admit it....especially on a first date! Anyways, that gets him going. Now he's talking about how he's very honest and he wants me to know that he's looking for a girlfriend. He doesn't play games, blah blah blah...and then the moment he'd been waiting for this entire date comes. The guys who have been sitting in his go-to spot, are leaving!
These seats were literally 2 feet from where we were already sitting but he still had his heart set on these seats so as soon as they left, he snatched the opportunity.
Now sitting in a new spot, his energy level spikes!
Him: So what do you like to do for fun?
**Because I'm so exhausted I've decided to give minimal answers at this point**
Me: I like to hang out, play poker...I like to **he interrupts**
Him: Wait, aren't you going to ask me what I like to do?
Me: Yeah, what do you like to do?
Him: No I want you to ask me because you want to ask me
Me: Yeah, what do you like to do?
**Get ready everyone...this is how I came up with his nickname**
Him: I like to go Pirating.
Me: -_- **I guess I'll ask** What is that?
Him: It's so fun! Me and my friends dress up like Pirates, we take out two sail boats, everyone has a squirt gun and we try and take over each other's ships. If we fall overboard, we're out, we die. If we try to take over the other ship by jumping onto the other boat, we can take the wenches and every time the captain gets hit with the water guns, that's one point off. It's so fun, we do it all of the time. I don't always dress up but it's just more fun that way to get into character and be one with the game.
Me: Oh wow
Him: Yeah....and you're Jewish right? Do you like your family?
**This guy should have won the topic of conversation transition of the year award! I mean, how did we get from Pirating to Family and me being Jewish? but I go with the flow and I answer:
Me: Yes and Yes
Him: Oh wow, like really? You like your family? They must be normal. Mine isn't. I haven't talked to my sister in a couple of years because I was brought up super Catholic and as I got older, I decided to find answers for myself and I decided to not follow the Bible to the "T" anymore. If my parents knew I was out with a Jewish girl right now, they'd think I was going to hell.
Strike 3 and 4
I was done like Thanksgiving dinner at this point, but he wasn't yet....
Him: So have you been on any bad dates from this site?
**This was my opportunity to slip in the fact that I don't kiss on first dates...dropping the hint here would ensure the point that I do.not.want.a.kiss. I hope.**
Me: One date was really bad. Yeah, I don't kiss on first dates but this guy decided to and it was just not good.
Him: That's it? That's not so bad. I had one girl just stop talking half way through the date but I wasn't going to let that stop me from having fun! So far so good on this date though. Like I said, I'm a very open and honest guy.
At this point I was leaning against the bar area, head in hand. It was time to go in my mind. After a long day at work, I wasn't expecting an exhausting date. He looks at me though and says:
Him: You like to touch your hair a lot don't you?
Me: Yeah, it's soft. **In no mood to go back and forth with this guy anymore**
Him: What do you use? Maybelline?
Me: Maybelline is makeup.
And with that, I got up and asked him if he was ready to head out haha
He walked me to my car and planted the biggest wet one on me.....
Joking, I'm joking...I think he got the hint I dropped. He just gave me another neck hug and walked away.
Not 20 minutes later I got a text telling me how great of a time he had...although I think he just had a good time with himself since I maybe said 10 words but I'm glad I made someone's night I guess haha...anyways, I started off with a bang I guess.
Don't forget to like my Instagram page @TheUnitedDatesOfSarah. I post on there a lot more than writing these blogs :) Here are some of the best Instas I've posted lately:
